I have good news and good news, Orlando. The XFL is coming back, and there’s a 98.9 percent chance Orlando will get a team.
So what’s the good news?
I realize that’s what a lot of you are thinking. You are scarred by Orlando being a dumping ground for failed pro football experiments.
Or you want to stay at least two zip codes away from anything Vince McMahon.
Or both.
Your fear and loathing is understandable. But to paraphrase John Lennon, “All l I am saying… is give Vince a chance.”
I know we already did with the XFL and it quickly turned into a tawdry version of the Hindenburg. Judging by Thursday’s press conference, McMahon has learned from the 53,925 mistakes he made with the original XFL.
“I wanted to do this since the day we stopped the other one,” McMahon said.
He’s the only person on the planet who longed for an XFL II. At least unlike “Jaws,” or “Caddyshack,” the sequel can’t be any worse than the original.
And if it is, so what?
Camping World Stadium is home to mostly pigeons in the spring. I’m for anything that might create a few jobs, be it as a quarterback, coach or hotdog vendor.
(For the record, the eight franchises have yet to be named. But given McMahon’s Wrestlemania affinity for our city and the fact the Constitution requires Orlando to be in every fly-by-night football league, we are an XFL shoo-in).
Barring a presidential decree from McMahon’s buddy Donald Trump, nobody will be forced to watch, much less buy season tickets. And it’s not your $100 million riding on the league’s success, it’s McMahon’s.
If it flops, the worst thing is that America will get another good laugh as McMahon’s expense.
Is that such a terrible thing?
And I’m not so sure the re-packaged “family-friendly” XFL is destined to go the way of the WFL, USFL, WLAF, UFL, Lingerie League or any of the other leagues that have passed our way.
McMahon has heard the gripes of NFL fans, and he’s going to try to exploit them. Games will last about two hours. There will probably be no halftimes.
And hooray, there will be no politics. Fans can actually escape the world’s problems for two precious hours out of the week.
“People don’t want social and political issues coming into play when they are trying to be entertained,” McMahon said.
He didn’t say players will be required to stand for the national anthem, though you can expect any who don’t will be shot on sight.
The phrases that kept popping up Thursday were “Quicker,” “Simpler,” and “Safer.”
McMahon didn’t offer any specifics on what will make the league safer. Maybe it’s the rule that nobody with a criminal record – not even a DUI – will be allowed to play.
I’m not so sure how that’ll work out. For one thing, it automatically disqualifies Johnny Manziel, who is just the kind of high-profile reclamation project the XFL could use.
Then there is the Holy Grail of Hype.
“If Tim Tebow wants to play,” McMahon said, “he can very well play.”
Assuming Tebow isn’t the Mets starting leftfielder in 2020 or he isn’t busted for smuggling cocaine by then, maybe he’ll give it a shot.
He should be pleased there won’t be any scripted WWE-style hokeyness, like players having romantic spats with cheerleaders.
This time around, the emphasis will be on the game, not gimmicks.
That hardly guarantees XFL won’t die like all other leagues. But at least this time it won’t die of embarrassment.
David Whitley can be reached at [email protected]